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Top Ten Lists ... TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT A ... BAD MOVIE WITH A BAD DATE 1.        Freak out your date by pretending she's Christine McVie. 2.        Tell her you're reviewing the movie, but actually take notes for your book on bad dates. 3.        Tell her, "I'm surprised you're not in this movie." 4.        When someone gets shot 47 times, yell "Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark." 5.        Hold a contest for alternatives to "This movie sucks." 6.        Tell the projectionist to make it out of focus. 7.        Tell the audience your date's the director. 8.        Ask the couple in front of you if they're into S&M. 9.        During animé films, say "Been there, done her" about the lead actress. 10.     Ask your date if she has a sister who doesn't have her faults. Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa, September, 2003. TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT A ... GOOD MOVIE WITH A BAD DATE 1.        Refer to your date by the lead actress's character's name. 2.        Hit on the lesbian couple in front of you. 3.        Go for popcorn, sit somewhere else and tell your date you got lost. 4.        Throw popcorn and soft drinks at people who talk too much. 5.        Tell your date she could be an actress if she wore more eye makeup. 6.        Use her cellphone to ask someone else out. 7.        Pretend you're your long-lost evil twin brother. 8.        During animé films, ask your date if she knows anyone who looks like the women onscreen. 9.        Ask your date if you can borrow her outfit sometime. 10.     Ask your date how she's getting home.   Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa, September, 2003. TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT A ... BAD MOVIE WITH A GOOD DATE 1.        The two of you act out a skit to explain the plot. 2.        Tell the projectionist to skip the second reel. 3.        Make disparaging remarks about the director's family. 4.        Give stage directions to the cinematographer, e.g., "Pan left, you idiot!" 5.        When someone gets decapitated, yell "Ooh, that's gotta hurt." 6.        Make bets about which characters are going to get killed. 7.        Criticize the font used for the credits. 8.        Borrow the usher's flashlight and read a book. 9.        Add your own sound effects. 10.     Tell the actors, "You'll never work in this town again!" Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa, September, 2003. TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT A ... GOOD MOVIE WITH A GOOD DATE 1.        Actually watch the movie. 2.        Tell the audience you wrote the script. 3.        Say "We're better at that" to the couple making out in the next row. 4.        Compliment your date on wearing too much eye makeup. 5.        Change clothes with your date. 6.        During animé films, tell people the two of you are related to the lead actor/actress. 7.        Freak out the two guys next to you by pretending they're Ebert and Roeper. 8.        Call up your agents and ask them why they can't get you work in films like this. 9.        Call up other studios and ask why they can't make movies like this. 10.     Ask why Geena Davis's scene ended up on the cutting room floor.   Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa, September, 2003. TOP TEN LAWS OF CAT PHYSICS 1. Any object anywhere in the universe, will someday be destroyed by a cat. 2. Whatever time you set your alarm clock for, your cat will wake you up an hour before that. 3. At every waking moment of every day, your cat needs something. 4. All cats have attended the seminar, How to Constantly Be Underfoot and Trip Creatures Much Larger Than You. 5. When your cat wants the litterbox cleaned, (s)he wants it cleaned NOW; remember, they can always take their 'business' elsewhere. 6. The chances of your cat damaging something of yours, and the degree of the damage, is directly proportional to its value. 7. The film even Hitchcock was afraid to make—What Cats Do While You're at Work. 8. Any material object in your house belongs to the cat. YOU belong to the cat. 9. Never, ever let your cat see your credit card number. 10. Being a cat means never having to say you're sorry. They have diplomatic immunity. They invented the 'It's not me, it's you' defence. Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa. TOP TEN OTHER LAWS OF CAT PHYSICS 1. Cats like high ground. All shelves, countertops and cabinet tops are THEIR TURF. If you fail to clear off these areas for their exclusive use, they will do it for you. 2. Every movable object is a cat toy. Every immovable object is a scratching post. 3. Every place in your house, no matter how obscure or well-hidden, is accessible by the cat. Especially if you're not home. 4. The chances of your cat actually using that toy or accessory you bought them is inversely proportional to its cost. 5. Presented with the choice of giving a cat a bath or committing suicide, most people opt for the latter. 6. Nanosecond (n.): the amount of time between your cleaning the catbox and it being used again. 7. Any cute or amusing pose or antics displayed by your cat will immediately cease the moment you turn on the camera / remove the lens cap. 8. As soon as you get your cat inside the car, they instinctively know they're going SOMEPLACE BAD. 9. Even animals as darling as cats have enemies. DO NOT open any email addressed to That Little Furball from Hell. 10. The cat—nature's paper shredder. Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa. TOP TEN TV EPISODES OF ALL TIME [as of 2003]   1.        That Ally McBeal episode where Ally wears a really, really short skirt. 2.        That Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode where Buffy kicks ass. 3.        That ER episode where Dr. Weaver is really, really mean. 4.        That Honeymooners episode where Ralph loses his temper. 5.        That Miami Vice episode where Dets. Crockett and Tubbs take down a bunch of drug dealers. 6.        That Perry Mason episode where Perry's client is innocent and Hamilton Burger comes across as a doofus. 7.        That The Practice episode where Helen Gamble acts sultry and argues with opposing counsel. 8.        That Seinfeld episode where Newman causes trouble. 9.        That She Spies episode where Cassie, D.D. and Shane almost get killed. 10.   That 3rd Rock from the Sun episode where someone almost discovers the Solomons' secret.   Published in The Oracle, newsletter of Orange County Mensa, May, 2003. TOP TEN CANCELLED AG * SESSIONS 1. Geena Davis Indoor Archery Demonstration 2. Extra-Extra-Beginner-Level Carnelli 3. Scrabble® for Blood 4. Big Corporations Who'll Sue your Ass for No Good Reason 5. Why Christy Carlson Romano, Hilary Duff and Kim Possible Sold Their Soul to Disney 6. English Lit is for Pantywaists 7. Why Guys are Such Jerks 8. Why René Magritte Never Visited Minnesota 9. Jesse Ventura Arm-wrestles Hillary Rodham Clinton 10. Women without Bangs Panel Discussion/Catfight with Jennifer Aniston, Jillian Barberie, Amanda Bynes, Jennifer Garner, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Peri Gilpin, Lucy Liu, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Christa Miller and Charlotte Ross—"moderated" by Lara Flynn Boyle * Annual Gathering, American Mensa's yearly convention. In 2003, it was held in Minneapolis.   Site contents Copyright © 2005–2008, W G Raley. MasterMath® is a registered trademark of W G Raley. Page last updated 07/21/2008.